Lin is deep into Finals during her first year of graduate school, which is why she has been quiet.
My excuse is not quite as good–I spent Thanksgiving with Sister, REPLENISHing. We drank wine and ate cheese, and she let me spend a day reading a book that devoured every square inch of my soul (thanks, Sis–I needed it). And I just wasn’t quite ready to go back to the Real World.
But I had to, and after a day of traveling, I was back in my apartment with my cat, getting my life organized for Hell Week.
That’s what I nicknamed this past week of work. You see, I’m starting a new job on Monday–one I didn’t ask for and am not sure I want, but I know it’s one that I need to be good at. So…I’m in Stephanie Mode. Those of you who know me know exactly what that means:
Head down. Eyes getting ready to look up. Scared shitless. Heart reconciled to not disappointing the opportunity and the people who gave it to me.
Everything in me was HEIGHTENed this week. I’m all too aware of what life needs to look like as I get my bearings in this new job and in preparation for my last weekend of YTT this semester and the Holidays: Wine becomes a thing for the weekends. Meditation EVERY SINGLE MORNING a must. Yoga an every-damn-day reality. Body language in check. Food as fuel. All the coffee.
And there’s something else at work here. I’ve struggled to name it, but tonight I have: grounded possibility, also known as hope.
I think it’s important, when our hearts find themselves floating somewhere we aren’t quite ready to fly, that we keep our heads grounded, without pulling down too much. Because hope is a pretty powerful thing, and it can lead us places we don’t know.
I spoke to my Grams at length tonight about what’s in my heart, and she said the thing Stephanie needed to hear: Just let it be; see what happens; trust the Signs, and then let it be what it is.
I have this feeling, though she has never said it, she prays for me every night, and maybe that’s the reason I consistently feel some kind of faith. Because no matter my stance on a Higher Power, she has a firm one, and because of her, I have a firm belief in something.
In my judgment.
We are nearing the end of this year, of BUILD, and the words that are coming–#VOWhush, #VOWresolve, and #VOWwait–are ones I already feel. Things I am already committed to. Verbs that hold power to change the course of my life, whatever they bring.
So keep me where the light is, and this week, we