I do well with days that need double what it takes (credit to Ryan Adams for that lyric). Downtime has historically been the source of my vices.
I feel like it’s the reverse for a majority of the population. But for me, endless to-do lists and tight deadlines are where I thrive. Where I perform well. Where I take the best care of my self.
I think I’m better at balance than I give myself credit for.
In times like those anyway.
A couple weeks ago, in the midst of fleas and the flu, a dear friend of mine and I had a conversation over a bottle of wine (the task of giving my cat a bath earlier that evening necessitated it). He talked about how he’d seen me, over the past couple of years, take on the world. Or several worlds at a time. And I would always emerge victorious, but in the aftermath, when I had a chance to take a break, I’d stop breathing, which I’m so good at in the midst of things (I think it’s the yogi in me). I’d start stressing about stopping.
About feeling lazy.
About not doing enough.
About not being enough.
Him and I have had a lot of conversations about how we affect each other. About how I challenge him to grow and how he gives me the space to. But after that night, I think the dynamic is starting to shift a bit.
He pointed out the pattern I have. Of cultivating and creating and then crashing…and then beating myself up for not being able to cultivate and create. And instead of suggesting that I do this or that (a pattern of his), he simply encouraged me to notice it. To understand how I function. To embrace (what’s up, Sister’s #oneword2017?) it.
Yoga Teacher Training started this past weekend, and I can already feel it kicking in again. As I start making homework lists, paying more attention to my planner, and organizing group outings (all with very sore muscles I might add), I can feel the thrive starting to bubble. But after that conversation, I know that at the end of February, when it’s over, there’s going to be a lull.
And I’m going to feel like somehow, I am less, despite the more I have just spent 200 hours working for.
But now that I realize I do it, I can expect it. I can make my own damn space to take up as I need to during that break. And I can give myself some fucking grace (to never do yoga again—kidding!).
Sister picked such a good quote to post on our homepage this week. From Pharrell Williams: “Don’t wait for the stars to align, reach up and rearrange them the way you want. Create your own constellation.”
And with that, the light breaks and I stop, and this week, we
Steph’s Song of the Week: Craving by James Bay
& Don’t Miss Lin’s #VOWbreak post (coming soon).