I find it funny that I have had such a hard time finding direction for this week’s post. It’s been lingering in my mind, a general idea of concept but I struggled to hone in and articulate my thoughts. And now I find myself posting a very belated essay and wondering if I have it in me to make an impact with my words.
Really, you could just skip this post and instead check out what Steph has recently drafted because she’s really been killing the vulnerability game lately — #VOWfocus from this week and #VOWrelease from last.
Despite our VOWs being posted online, I never really skip ahead and mentally prepare myself for our word until it arrives. Then I mildly reflect to see where I might want to direct my energies that week. Where do I succeed at FOCUSing? Where do I struggle? What do I wish I FOCUSed on that I don’t? What do I spend too much time FOCUSing on? So on, so forth.
Inevitably my analysis falls into two categories: work or romantic relationship. You, dear reader, can attest. I love both. One causes me insane amounts of stress for which I feel powerless to control. The other I am mindful to keep sacred (not to mention functional and fulfilling). But they do not make up my entire life and therefore should not comprise my representation on this blog.
It’s hard to acknowledge that with my relocation, most of my friendships have changed. And I’ve struggled with that reality because I cherish so, so many individuals. The affection has never changed. But keeping up with people is hard, especially when the conversations become more about catching up than building up the relationship. And I end up saying the same thing in the varied conversations that I bore of my updates and instead try to prompt for information. To no fault of my friends, I know this, but I’m so far behind that bringing people to-date feels daunting. And exhausting. (Again, not you, it’s me)
I also tend to be an all-or-nothing’er. Meaning, I want to catch up with EVERYONE RIGHT AWAY. I overbook myself and make ALL THE SKYPE CALLS. And by the end of it, I feel shitty because I’m not giving my all to the person I care about. So I do what is normal in overwhelming situations — avoid and procrastinate. Which just makes reconnection even harder. I know this so why do I do it?
I think that is where FOCUS comes in. Because you see what you look for. And when you’re not honed in at all, you end up missing a lot. And when I’m too focused on catching up the “right way” I end up being the person who moves away and fades into oblivion.
I’m sorry for being that person, friends. And I made a list (because when faced with any dilemma, that’s what I do) of everyone I want to correspond with. The list is long and it’ll take me time to get through all the names. Because when we speak, I want to be able to truly FOCUS on what’s important — you.