A Week of #VOWcurling

On Monday, I curled up in blankets. I slept a lot. I think things are starting to weigh on me. Stress from my 9-to-5, because I am on true overload there. Details for freelance projects I am working on. Make-believe decisions I “need” to make about my purposes, passions, and prognosis.

On Tuesday, I woke up and wanted to go back to sleep. I wanted to curl back up into my blankets. Into a ball. Away from the world. Into the crook of someone else’s body. Maybe it’s because I knew I had ten meetings that day, only one of which I wasn’t leading. Maybe it’s because I was missing the touch of someone. Maybe it’s because I already woke up feeling like I was not enough, already taunted by gremlins about not running six miles or meditating 20 minutes or reading a couple chapters.

I actually talked about this with a friend the other day. About how we wake up feeling not enough before we have even attempted trying to be. About why it’s important to generate small wins. To sometimes accept what it is we can give as the best we can do and let that be enough.

On Wednesday, I got up at 5am. I journaled. I read. I packed lunch. I went to yoga. I got to work early. And by 7pm, I was still in the same place I was Tuesday. Feeling like I failed.

I started to think about what it is I am curling my hands around these days. I feel like I’ve been reaching since I was young enough to know there was a bar there. I remember specifically a moment in second grade, but it could have happened before then. In fact, I know it did.

At 28, I’m starting to realize that if I keep reaching for things, trying to grasp everything, the stuff I really want to hold onto—health, my art, a relationship, and a family—will be slipping more often than I want it to. I constantly feel like I can’t just choose what I love. For example, I don’t know how much I actually like running, but, since at least sixth grade, I have been a runner. I feel like if I don’t run, I won’t get my cardio in. Plus, running is free. But I love yoga; however, I feel like if I only do yoga, my heart won’t ever get enough exercise. And shouldn’t I teach it if I love it?

It’s all coming down to these question of what is enough and am I enough and when will I let it be.

On Friday, kicking off a weekend in the mountains with my Tribe, I thought about uncurling. About how important it is to let the stories we have inside of us be told. Not necessarily for our good but for the good of others. About how important it is to open ourselves up. To each other. To more.

On Sunday night, after returning home, I curled into someone else. Just glad to be there. Grateful to be there. Yet almost afraid to be, because it’s a place that just so good.

And on Monday, as stomach pain curled me into a ball, I slept again. Trying to figure out, in windows without sleep, why I am clenching my jaw so much. Why I keep having to remind myself to breathe.Here’s to  a week with more breathing and belly laughs…

This week we play.

Steph’s Song of the Week: Fix Me Up by Anthony Russo

Lin’s taking a break this week, but she will be back next week to PLAY with us.

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